Dearly Beta-loved …

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I’m always amazed at what people keep in their freezers.  From hemorrhoid cream to stool samples to placentas, the list is disgustingly endless.  I’ll admit, even my own freezer is a subzero burial ground for both my kids’ deceased pet fish, Kevin and Cookie.

I stumbled upon their bug-eyed remains recently while digging through our chest freezer for fish sticks (ironically enough.)  Andrew calls our cavernous arctic box ‘the way station’, the isle of culinary misfits where leftovers go to die.  Now, since the betas have passed, it also doubles as a morgue. Read more

Ground Control To Major Mom

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Chris Hadfield

On the first Monday in May this year, my children made history.  No, they didn’t make their beds.  Like thousands of kids across the country, they stood in their schoolyard at exactly 1:00 p.m. with fellow students and staff, voices skyward, singing the newest single by Barenaked Ladies and their unlikely new collaborator, Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield.

You’d have to have been living under a moon rock this spring not to have heard about the song “Is Somebody Singing”, particularly if you’re a Canadian parent.  My kids’ music teacher had introduced it to them on Youtube as the official song for Music Monday 2013, promoting music education in schools.  The video showed the live recording of the song with Hadfield singing his parts from space, and for a generation not so easily impressed by the wonders of the digital age, my kids were utterly captivated. Read more

Hot Flash Buns

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Banana Bread Pic

For the 40+ baker, this pick-me-up patisserie is sure to please.  It can be made in either muffin top tins or a loaf around pan, depending on your mood swing.

In bitterly segregated bowls, combine the following:

Wet

3 flaccid bananas

2 ovum

1/2 cup vegetable lubrication

Dry

EVERYTHING

1 cup brown spots rice flour

1 cup granulated mood enhancer

1 tsp baking stimulant

½ tsp salty tears

4 cups chocolate chips or ¼ cup Amoxapine

  • Grease a 9” loaf pan
  • Mash wet ingredients until droopy and sagging
  • Stir dry ingredients round and round in circles, inducing confusion and disturbing memory lapses
  • Grease a 9” loaf pan
  • Combine wet and dry ingredients, whisking together until batter resembles dimpled cellulite
  • Pour batter into pan – pick up and hold.  Elevated body temperature should cook it in about 8-10 minutes
  • If concerned pan will slip through fingers like youth did, open your only functioning hot box and dangle arms inside, preheating it to 350˚
  • Abandon pan in oven, marginalizing it for 65-70 minutes or until fully bloated
  • When done, stick a knife in the centre of its heart to confirm sterility
  • Allow ample time to cool off before cutting ritual begins
  • Slice into thick, dense pieces of its former self
  • Enjoy with mug of hot tea or magnum of wine

Mother’s Day Motherload

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Yes, it’s Mother’s Day, and I’m doing what every sensible matriarch does at the start of this auspicious day:  I’m hiding in my room.

I’m never sure what the rules of engagement are for Mother’s Day.  If I come downstairs, I run the risk of spoiling their big surprise, which given the sounds coming from the kitchen, include eggs, selected power tools, gushing tap water, and an interpretive dance routine to “Rock The Casbah”. Read more